One of my friends told me recently that when I want something, I tend to obsess about it. Her words were, 'KINA-CAREER'. She's right, you know. I often find my self totally engrossed in things that I find interesting. And guess what! I find it so hard and long to get over these things. When I like something, my focus gets out of balance. It's like loosing my periphery on my whole personal entity and social life.
Notwithstanding my dedication and perseverance, I still fail to deliver brilliance in anything I put my hands, mind and heart into. I'm now starting to think I really have no artistic inclinations nor have I managed throughout the years to circumscribe my self into any creative forte.
I've tried sports (tennis) during my younger years...Don't ask me about it. I sucked so bad!!! It felt like having two arms and two legs but attached to the wrong side of my torso.
I've tried the literary gridiron during my high school years...It's never receptive to a mediocre intelligence like mine.
I joined a cultural dance troupe in college, but managed, once, without great effort to bring down the group into a comedic parody in a concert that was meant to be a portrayal of a Bukidnon legend.
I tried cake decorating, which I really enjoyed the first few steps of the way but rendered me despondent towards the end.
Now, I'm laying my hand on photography, and I've not been thinking of anything else the last few weeks, but concentrating earnestly on getting a compelling subject. Yet, I feel I am failing to deliver...Again.
What am I really destined to be? What am I good at? I know for a fact that what I do for a living right now, is not a pursuit I'm hoping to ascend upon and look back to when I'm 65 years old and could honestly cerebrate and possibly say, "Wow, I did good in something I truly loved doing". Yes. I will forever be grateful for such a blessing. God bestowed me such a decent, respectable and a relatively easy job. It can be stressful sometimes, but overall, it's not something that consumes me and my life. I will forever be thankful for having been given the opportunity to do public service.
Behind all gratitude, contentment and comfort, there is that incite that keeps on prodding in my being to do better. To reach the zenith of my capabilities. To do something grand. Not for financial bliss but more so an act of mental, emotional and social dissection. Testing my own yardstick, so to speak.
Unfortunately, it looks bleak right now. It seems that the benchmark I've so far established is not that eminent just yet.
But I have recently realised that the criterion for greatness is not relative to the perception of others, rather, it is the act of seeking greatness. It is the acknowledgement of the fact that individuals can take on anything yet fail on everything, but realising that testing oneself is greatness in itself.
Life is too short, if I don't put my toes in any murky waters, I'll never know what and how it would feel on my skin. I will continue to be scared of failure and be forever entombed in a small narrow world.
So now, I've decided I will not question my ability. Instead, I will go on and explore this vast macrocosm, the many possibilities, appreciate the beauty of the diverse humanity and never be scared to test any waters.
Come my deathbed, I can say, " I tried that, I failed...I tried those, I failed...But at least I know what they are, because I've tried them."
I don't want to become like this flower that holds no memory of what it once was...
So for my 'pangangareer' in anything that fascinates me...onward I go. I say, bring it on!
What's next? Maybe write a book???? Oh-oh